Chronic diseases are never easy. Its not individual the sickness that one has to deal with, but the emotional stress that goes along with it. Many times, its the emotions that plague the victims of chronic diseases even more than the disease itself.
Being one who has been and is currently a patient with chronic diseases, I experience many highs and lows throughout the day, everyday. My patience is thin to none-existent, I have many mood swings, I tire easily and I am always irritable. These are the symptoms that extend from the diseases I have in my body.
After 26 surgeries, including a major kidney transplant, a gall bladder surgery enchanting dialysis for 5 age and currently undergoing another treatment and numerous hospital visits, I was lovely sure that everyone I knew would understand, even without my having to point it out, that I am the victim here. But not so. There are many emotional conditions that simply come out of me without my even thinking about it. A sharpness to my voice tone, a weariness when I am tired, depression as well as irritibality. I have learned the callous bag that the people I thought I could depend on to understand my shortcomings due to my illnesses would be able to endure at least some of the discomfort that manifest by way of what I say and do. Now I have discovered that no one I know is prepared to grant me to be comfortable terminated what I am dealing with.
People constantly tell me how short-tempered I am, even though I consistently apologize for it. All the more when explaining that I don't recognize that I'm doing this, I have been called some of the most awful names imaginable. I find that I have to smile when I don't feel coextensive smiling so that those that I am communicating with won't feel bad. I hold to laugh when I don't want to laugh or someone is going to tell me I am mean and I look like I am a very beggarly person. I find that people dislike me when I don't let them admit their way around me, for instance, when my family visits me, even though I don't finish allying doing it, I have to accommodate them by driving them where ever they fancy to go. I have to go with them and act like I am having awash fun, shopping or sight-seeing, etc. or I am going to have to deal with their attitudes. A relative is visiting me at this current time, I am simply very tired from driving her in all places she wants to go. Even though I have asked her to manage and have had a surgical procedure earlier in the week, she gets upset if I don't do what she wants me to do. These people specialize in trying to put me on a guilt trip.
These are some of the emotional stresses that people with chronic diseases deal with on a daily basis. It is a flip-flop of what it should be. Those of us who understand that some days the selfishness is just too much will choose to be alone just because others accomplish not understand what it is we deal with and what we have to go nailed down with other people. I feel as though I have a responsibility to everyone else rather than it duration the other way around.
The flip-flop dictates that I cannot be emotionally upset when someone else needs me. The flip-flop dictates to me that I can't be into myself and feel the way I feel like feeling if someone else is in my space and has decided they want me to go another way. The flip-flop allows each else to be victimized by me. The flip-flop hurts me. The flip-flop does not recognize that I am in pain. It never comforts, it never pampers, it never says I'm sorry, it just demands its own way. Am I my brother's keeper? Who testament be my keeper? The flip-flop will not allow anyone to keep me. The flip-flop demands that I fight and keep fighting with everyone I know. The flip-flop won't offer up any peace, even-handed demands, no understanding.
I wish to reverse the flip-flop!